HI HI HI PEEPS!!!
long time no see?
hmm, ok yeah I was actly planning to emo this morn...
but yeah, somehow the -ve emotions went away le...
which then reminds me this is how my moodswings work isn't it?
they will come back again, I'm sure.
At night? hmm may be, afterall that's the best time to just cry like nobody's business isn't it?
haiz, life is really funny always pranking me, always making me unsure of whether to cry or laugh at my own fate.
FATE. damn it, I practically spat out the word.
disgust, lies, hatred, unfairness;
nothing but a super damn ugly word.
Who even cares about fate in the least.
Not like it has been working well for me or anything.
May be if I'm a kid, tell me and i'll suck my big thumb and trust you with this word entirely.
But really, does it matter?
I'm growing up, no use reminiscing...
yea, actly, i've rly been thinking about what u said, what others said, and even what my tiny voice cried out, and i've been pondering...
if i work just that little bit harder, fight just that little bit tougher, will i be free from it?
Will i no longer be hurt again?
nor need to ever use tears to fill the nights and listen to emo songs, watch emo dramas, act like a damn emo person just to soothe my sorrowful heart and confirm other's views about me that
YES! SHE'S AN EMO PERSON! N YES! I'M AN EMO GIRL...
not anything cheerful, not deserving of laughter and smiles...not in the tiny bit friendly and approachable...
HAH! have i really changed?
I dont know, dont want to know either.
All i know is every night, I will just hide under my blanket and somehow, my tears will flow out non-stop.
And i will just cry and cry and still cry.
But u know crying isnt all that easy either. It has become a weight in my heart.
So heavy and exhausting.
Having to cry so that no one can see nor hear nor feel is such a burden.
I keep telling myself every night :我不想哭， 我不会哭。不准哭。
but in the end, i still can;t help it, i still can;t help it.
They leaked out just like tiny drops of dew(except that dew is something more hopeful isnt it)
then i will just repeat silently in my heart: 为什么还是没出息的哭了?
Why does crying even has to be kept as a secret?
Why do i have to bear such pain alone?
Why can't anyone just understand and just empathise?
I tell myself I'm not a superwoman, I also wish there was someone in the universe whom i can just lean agaainst, curl up and sleep, whose shoulders can bring me a little comfort in this loneliness and darkness.
These years, I've been looking and looking till the point of giving up.
To the point of even fabricating a happyending story for myself that one day, someone will bring me away from here and i'll live happily ever after.
And i know with this, I can decieve myself once again to wait,and wait patiently, and wait till may be on my deathbed then i realise that everything are merely lies and ugly bubbles that i created and that i myself am the one responsible for my this stupid entangled misery.
HAHAS.
gosh y am i even laughing?
HAHAHAS, yesterday night, i succeeded.
I managed to cry w/o anyone noticing hahas.
I even cried to the extent that i dont even know when I had fallen asleep.
Even to the point of awakening.
As if that will change anything.
You know what?
It's only when I'm alone then I can be my own self.
Everytime it hurts, I just feel like sleeping and never waking up.
Sleep is the only time when can just be myself and cry whenever i want and when after that, I can be immersed in my own dreamland and can temporarily forget everything else, even my true existence.
As if im just hovering around in the universe, touching everything that glitters, silently watching over this tiny little world, and picturing a paradise forming...
that's probly what i've become.
I tell God:
I am not who i want to be.
I am not who i hope to be.
I really dont ask for more,
just give me a few years when i can just lead my life myself in my own way.
And then i'll be contended and then, u can just take me home.
I"m cruel but it really doesnt matter anymore.
okkkk, emo finish le.
Im v.tired all of a sudden.
May be sometimes, being able to fake laughter and smiles in front of all is a much better way to escape reality.
ok, wait, i need to change form...
hahas, ok im backkkkkk:D
anw, tday, in the sch lib, my angel suddenly came n said hi!!!
hahas, i ttly gt scammed by him lorrrr.
YES! IT'S A HIM!!! OMG (xINFINITY)
haiz, what;s this lah, kerna scammed by senior againT.T
so yeah, the first thg he said when he saw me while i was reading manga was like "r u grace?...thanks for ur earrings"
then reality dawned n EUREKA!
Realisation. Light bulb lighted up.
n i was super paiseh k cos i rly nvr thot my angel's a guyy...(so i ended up laughing so hard and kept apologising to him lol)
but nvm, at least he can giv them to his girlfren or sth:)
he somemore said his GF wrote the letter for him(like he say, thn she dictate or sth)
no wonder, so they switch 身份, cos in the letter, my angel said he got a BF, when in actual fact, it's a GF!!!
hahas, so yea, so humiliating for me:(
stupid gullible me...:(
BUTTT it's not my fault kkk, cos that was rly a girl's handwrting and style, so it means at least i inferred correctly from the evidence provided.
External info not given, so cant conclude properly.
So Im aclt quite smart to guess correctly that the writer was a girl(V!)
but yea, it's quite a huge surprise(y do i keep getting surprises out of nowhere)
but at least i know who my angel is lorrr(unlike someone who will always 被蒙在鼓里 hehe
but he's v.nice lah and he watched anime too
and when i asked him why he wanted to reveal his identity, he said cos he v.busy with softball coms, so cant reply, but he wanted to thank me for the pressie(which ttly failed tho he didnt blame me :) ) plusss he didnt want to leave it hanging in the air.
SEE! I HAVE SUCH AN AWESOME ANGELLLL:)
YOUR DEVIL: WELL, GOOD LUCK FOR COMPETITIONS!!!
-yup end of storyyyy:)-
hahas, MOK! GET WELL SOON K :)
n LILIA! CYA TMR :)
~grace truthfully
不管怎么样，一定要快乐，永远要快乐。
